Would I Change if I knew?

Had an Artist's Date the day after Chris Feinstein died. Went to Guitar Center and played electric guitars. Here's the one I loved:

Right now I'm sitting down to organize my checkbook and pay some bills. And I'm hearing Tracy Chapman wondering "would you change" if you knew . . .

and I am mystified by that question. Would I? Is The Artist's Way helping me get clearer on that? It seems multi-layered.

The primary level being that of being-ness. Of softening into the Divine within and all around. "That permeates, penetrates and fills the interspaces of the Universe," as Wallace Wattles says. That being that is everything and nothing. The space inside of the spinning atoms that make us up and everything around us. Emptiness. And what is more primary than to rest in that and to know that? For me, nothing.

The secondary level being doing-ness. So, yes, I'll balance my checkbook and pay some bills because that's part of the secondary world, the world of form, that we live in. I don't have to, nobody's forcing me, but it seems like a good thing to do. Keep things on this level more comfortable.

And then what? Will I go take care of my passport photos and go to the gym? I love working out and enjoy being at the gym. I'm glad I distinguished that just then because I have been wondering where things like going to the gym fit in with our unknown lifespan. I see that loving exercise makes it a worthwhile thing to do. Don't we want to be doing things we love if we don't know how long we'll live? And we don't.

See, I'm hopeful AW is helping me clarify that conversation. The one for what to do in the world of form.

I just want to live 100% on guidance. And my mind's been talking to me a lot. Pushing me a little bit and I go the other direction when it does.

This week we're told that when we're blocked a great thing to do is just one thing. Just one thing. Julia says we don't want to hear it (and I didn't) but then I did a little something, and I liked it.

We've been looking, also and again, at what we're not allowed to do.

I have much to reconcile in that department. (Wow, I just saw the judgment in that word, reconcile. Whew!) And it's right here for me to look at. (How about, I have much to surrender to in that department?)

So.

Would I change if I knew?

Nope. Here's Joni Mitchell singing one of my favorite of her songs. I'm in.

One of my favorite and least performed things to do: visual arts

I'm finally making my poster from Week 7. I'm grateful for the tasks to give me something creative to do when otherwise I'd be sitting around lamenting what isn't instead of being here with what is. Tearing up magazines, Joni Mitchell Pandora station, chamomile tea, heater, pajamas, and Scotch tape.

Across the Universe

Seems I keep coming back to the music.

Long Black Veil

This week (Week 7) we're looking at what we would try if it didn't have to be perfect. Well, here's something:

in your arms, in your kitchen, in your heart if you’ll take her

I'm hearing Ryan Adams right now sing "You Will Always Be the Same" and he sounds great. Sounds familiar. Like home. Like some kind of love.

Tonight I took a risk and wrote about my warning label. The details are here on one of my other blogs.

The short of it is that sometimes, when recovering from heart break, I see my patterns and I think, I should come with a warning label:

Warning: I’m going to fall in love with you. Get close to me, get close enough to kiss me, and you’re just about guaranteed to have a love bug on your hands (in your arms, in your kitchen, in your heart if you’ll take her). Not for the faint of heart.

I credit the work in The Artist's Way for helping me distinguish that I DO want such a love in my life and for being unapologetic about it. I credit this week with encouraging me to take risks like declaring such a thing to the Universe (I suppose I also credit Wallace Wattles for that, too, with gratitude).

I'm really sleepy right now, having stayed up a little late to get this bit written. I'll come back here again soon.

Grateful.

cc

Sharing from SGR blog

Since we're on Week 6, Recovering a Sense of Abundance, my worlds are beautifully flowing together. Click here for today's entry from my Science of Getting Rich blog.

Still totally in love with reading and practicing this book. And going to lie down for some rest now.

I love you!

Letter to me, from Myself at Eighty-Years-Old

Another joyful and profound exercise. Here's an amazing letter to me (at age 39) from myself at age 80, with gratitude:

Dear Carin at thirty-nine,

You are absolutely wonderful. Do you know this? You are so full of love and generosity and creativity. You've brought so much joy to the world already, and this is a big year for you.

You can absolutely trust your intuition. You are the divine intelligence, and all you need to do is quiet down and listen.

You have nothing to worry about, ever, my dear. Do you hear what I say? All of life is supportive of your dreams. All doors open naturally for you. Mr. Wattles was right: you need never feel disappointed. You have a miraculous and blessed life. Every moment is gold. Do you remember writing that?

Keep writing. Keep sharing your nuggets of creative wisdom. You are a mouthpiece for the flow, joy and fun of the divine.

Keep studying and being in the Certain Way. Increase is what's true. Just keep hanging out in that vibration. It is vibration rather than the logical mind that has you remain dialed in thus and that exponentially and effortlessly, molecularly affects those around you.

Keep dancing and keep throwing dance parties, but don't worry about throwing them all the time. A few times a year could be plenty.

Do travel with your Airstream.

Never feel guilty. Following your heart will always lead to the greatest good. Your heart is inseparable from that!

Never feel shame for your loving heart or your worldly or physical desires. Never ever shame yourself, beautiful child. You bring only love into this world and people are grateful for it.

You will always be surrounded with love. You will have extraordinary loves and spectacular partners and ultimately the true love of your life. There's no rush and no hurry. All is perfectly aligned and you are in the perfect position to receive.

Call on me if you're ever concerned, beautiful child! I'm here to tell you:

It's nothing but blessings.

I don't think I need to encourage you to travel because it is in your very soul. But I will remind you to do it - and everything my dear - with absolute freedom and abandon.

You are here to celebrate, as are all beings, in their way. You're just clued into it.

You are remarkably powerful.
Don't let this scare you, my sweet.

It is the infinite power of God! You are so blessed to know this and radiate it.

If there's one thing I can get instilled in you, it's this:

You can relax.

Your dreams are God's pleasure and He's working overtime on your behalf.

Your instinct to love is right on. All is cared for. All is abundant. All is lucrative. All is effortless!

There's nothing to fear, ever.

I love you with all my heart, dear child, and I'm with you all the way. Every moment. Every step. It's all gold, and it's an absolute peaceful, dreamy, groovy, ever-expanding blast.

Love, love, love,

Carin, yourself at eighty

SMOOCH! XOXO! You're the best!

P.S. She told me later: for sure, stay at nice hotels.

Artist's Prayer

What a gift to have an assignment to write and recite an Artist's Prayer. I'm grateful to the great Wallace D. Wattles for his coaching (via his masterpiece The Science of Getting Rich that absolutely goes hand in hand with The Artist's Way. I'm quite certain Julia C. has read him, too . . . ).

Please feel free to recite, share, and/or create your own.



To you, with love:

Dear Lord,
May I welcome your perfect love.
All you create is perfect.
May we know ourselves as that.
May we know ourselves as vessels
of your Love, for we are inseparable
from You.
Remove all sense of guilt
and instill freedom,
freedom that we may celebrate,
for we are born uniquely to
celebrate the mystery and magic
of creation.
Remove all blocks to knowing our
infinity
and in our knowing may we
mirror this ultimate joy to all.
May our freed creativity
bring only love and celebration
to this world,
generating peace, joy and the deepest fun.
May all know that we're
deeply supported in your loving care,
that we are perfect
and that the world welcomes our
unique creations.

Amen!

And I assert, this [scribbling and coloring and finger painting (and not-shown are the puffy animal stickers we put on) on Beth's living room wall] is the direct result of this work and specifically the above prayer, with gratitude:

First, an update

As I type this, I'm hearing Dave Matthews sing Daniel Lanois' "The Maker." I know this song from Jerry Band. It's so sweet to hear. I just emailed myself the chords.

I'm sitting on my couch, almost 4 pm, on the first day of Daylight Savings. It's been a gorgeous day. I sorta feel like taking a nap, but I doubt I will. I'm glad to be writing.

So let's see, what's there to update?



Let me first day that I have absolutely loved working this book so far! I'm on Week 4 and it's been a great week so far. I had my Artist's Date at the Airstream dealership in Buda



which was a blast. And the next day I got to scribble and finger paint and put stickers on a wall. It was utter joy on freedom, filled with gratitude. And a joy as I felt the impression spread throughout the house. It seemed to extend directly from this work. So, thanks!

I also am seeing myself shift out of people-pleasing more and more. These are the things I'm looking at cutting out:

- people pleasing
- shoulds
- guilt

I have a lifetime of such things to unwind, but I'm thrilled with the beginnings. Today I had a gorgeous morning at a coffee shop eating breakfast (missing reading!) and working on a task from this week's homework. I've been wanting to get to the gym for a full-on workout because I've settled for little walks - or less - many days this week, and it's not feeling good. So a friend messaged and asked if I could meet her for a stroll. It was tempting, being a gorgeous day, and since I was in the area (I didn't tell her that, thought). And I watched myself contemplate it and then say, "No, I've really been wanting to go to the gym right now," and I did. Success!

I'm learning a lot about what I've agreed to do that I don't really want to do. Not the greatest thing to do and sometimes slippery to get out of, but beautiful to be distinguishing. I'm grateful for this training, this permission - amazing to consider that I would need such a thing! - to live how I want to live.

I'm getting totally munched by mosquitoes as I sit here on my couch. It's irritating as shit, but I don't want to close the door (they're all inside already) and I don't want to spray shit on my skin, so . . .

I'm also hopeful that some of this aggravated feeling is actually my period coming on, seeing as how I'm on day 38 or something like that of my cycle. I mean, come on!

Is this all related? Probably.

And what of the reading deprivation?

Well, I haven't opened any books nor allowed myself any snippets of audio books that have shuffled through my world. I've looked at two types of email: ones related to the rally I helped with this weekend and lusty ones. Oh wait, I read my Diamond topic too and passed it on to my Diamond guests.

I've taken the occasional glace at my Facebook page but haven't allowed myself to idly scan others' pages.

So all in all, I feel like that's a huge success. I felt a little guilty about reading the lusty emails, but I also saw that fighting that didn't seem to be helping. And I did have a few days off on the front end. :-) Maybe I'll get a few days on the back end, too.

I do feel tempted to look in the emails to see about how I can save on my car insurance and what's up with my Landmark dating profile that I'd forgotten I even had. But I also feel it can all wait and be handled all at once.

And in a way it was good that I peeked because one of my musicians canceled on me for my rally and I wouldn't have known it had I not snuck a peek at my FB that day. I made him all sorts of wrong for emailing rather than calling. But shoot, I've been a chicken plenty of times myself.

Okay, so next I'm going to post my Artist's Prayer that I had the pleasure of writing and reciting this week. And then I'll post my letter from me at eighty. Delightful.

With gratitude and much curiosity,

Carin

Tarot

The overview of the Tarot reading I did last night:

In this time of creative fertility that will yield spiritual and material wealth, more rest, recovery and introspection are needed. I am protected.

Just Like Tom Thumb's Blues

Okay! I did it! This is part of me Week 1 homework . . . one of my jobs that I think would be fun is to be a singer in a rock and roll band. So here's what I did to put myself out there. Made this video and put it up on Facebook.

I could complain about what's wrong, but I was inspired by Ms. Cameron when she said,
"It is impossible to get better and look good at the same time."

Loving it!

Now taking the rest of my homework to bed with me. Week 2 meeting in the morning! Hooray!

Affirmations

I've been confronted already! In the chapter on Week One, we are told to write out an example of an affirmation and then watch what comes up.

I chose: "I, Carin, am a prolific and inspired artist."

I wrote it ten times with ten corresponding "blurts" or put-downs that arise from within. Mine range from "You're lazy!" to "You have too much debt," to "You're a loser." Pretty harsh! (You should see the ones I got when I tried out the affirmation "I, Carin, deserve love." I'm glad I had the less confronting creative category to work with.)

So here's a list of the re-creations I came up with:

I, Carin, am a natural contribution.

My thoughts are gentle, peaceful and loving.

I am living my Divine purpose.*

I, Carin, celebrate and appreciate life.

God expresses through me in unlimited ways.

I can relax. All is cared for.

My Divine purpose is awakening to the love of God.

I create freely.

I, Carin, am a prefect creation of God.

* This one came up twice. I could have used it for more!

And these are variations of two I chose from the book:

I am a channel for God's creativity.

I am willing to let God create through me.

What I see possible is getting out of my own way and allowing the flow. It seems like a continuation of the practices I've been cultivating, in an on-going practice: dropping resistance, quieting the mind, acceptance, relaxing into the moment. The hardest part for me seems to be forgiveness. Let's see how some weeks of practicing these affirmations effects such self-negativity.

The trick is not making myself wrong for making myself wrong! Ha! It's like a paradox. But I see surrender, relaxing, allowing, noticing - as the key.

Stay tuned!

My Trip through The Artist's Way, starts here

Today I got an email from a friend, the title of which reads:

Carin's Stupendous Stress Buster

It looks really good in bold letters as the title of something. I'm inspired. Things are opening up and shifting and some exciting things are happening in the life of this being, this love bug, this speck so tiny the mind can't comprehend it and yet containing the whole universe.

It's fun.